Thursday, January 04, 2007

Weirdness at the Gym


It's that time of the year when everyone is making their way to the gym. It's usually during those first weeks of the new year that there is a sudden influx of people at the gym. Sadly, many of these people are rarely if ever to be seen again. And while it can be frustrating in the beginning, with a little perseverance, you'll manage to reach your end goal at the gym and get into shape. However, fair warning for those of you making your way there for the first time or after a long time; there are some strange cast of characters that you're likely to encounter during these days at the gym. Here is a list of some of the common ones (and please be aware, these are meant in good fun):

Locker Vultures: are the people who are rarely ever seen outside of the locker room. Either that means that their ritual for getting ready is so involved that you can work out and get back before they have finished getting ready. Conversely it may also mean that their ritual for getting dressed after their workout is so painstaking that open heart surgery seems shorter by comparison. At my gym there is one guy who I have never seen outside of the locker room and from the time he finishes applying after shave to the time he returns to his locker (a scant five feet away) he will have struck up conversations with at least ten random people. I enjoy conversation too but with guys in nothing but towels? That's a little.... odd.

Nature Boys (and Girls): are the people who strut around the locker rooms in the nude with no worries. I understand that we each must be proud of who we are and of our bodies but some people seem to have no problem making it incumbant upon the rest of us to appreciate them as well. Now I don't know about you but it's a bit disconcerting to be in the gym trying to get your shoes laced up while people are walking around in front of you looking as if they just came into the world. The human body is a wonderful thing, but for those who are new to the locker room culture of the gym, take a hint and at least use a towel here and there. Especially in the steam room, we don't want people sitting anywhere they're not supposed to be.

Gaseous Anomalies: are the people (most typically guys) who insist upon eating a full meal prior to working out and enjoy expelling the resulting gas with mixed results. Being a guy, there is that expectation that a burp will illicit laughter and the first time it happens it's funny; by the tenth time I'm ready to use a free weight to shut the guy up. Still and all, these chaps are preferable to the ones who prefer to expend their gas from the opposite end. I was at the gym the other day when the guy next to me apparently started letting them fly. Had it not been for the fact that there were no other machines available, I would have taken off in a heartbeat. My nostrils got a workout that day as well.

30 Odd Foot of Grunt: are not members of Russell Crowe's rock band but the individuals who have never lifted weights before but learn what free weights is all about by watching some of the more experienced members during their lifts. When those guys bench press 200 plus pounds, a little grunting is expected. It's a little anti-climactic hearing louder grunts from someone only benching ten pounds.

Now these aren't meant to scare off anyone looking to join a gym or is a new member at a gym. On the contrary, this makes for some forewarning so that as you navigate the world of the gym, you can see the people who inhabit the lockers and weight rooms. Learning to read the signs will make your visits that much more enjoyable. In cases of the Gaseous Anomalies, a little warning will spare you from feeling sick on the elliptical machine.

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1 Comments:

At 9:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jay:

Being a recent gym club member, I am able to appreciate your observations fully. Enjoyed reading this blog.

Dad

 

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